Is Your Busyness Really An Avoidance Of Your Feelings?
Feel it all.
Dive right in.
The sadness, the grief, the ecstasy, the joy.
The good, bad and the ugly feelings of life. Feel them all.
For so long I’ve had my heart closed. Tip-toeing around my feelings. Scared of how I truly feel about anything in life.
Fear of what? I’m actually not sure. The fear I might break and never be put back together? The fear I might die from feeling too much? I really don’t know. All I know is I’ve lived most of a life with my heart closed off afraid to feel.
And what do I do when I don’t want to feel my feelings...I get really productive and really busy. I make things happen like amassing 50,000 fans of my music, or promoting our video so that it goes viral, etc. you get the picture...I throw myself into my career.
Then the last few days I realized.....I’m getting really productive again...I’m focused and getting shit done.....BUT I’ve been doing so much embodiment work lately where I’m being taught to feel into my body, feel into the subtle sensations, feel my heart and the feelings that are there and learning to recognize escape patterns to feel....that I recognized......
PRODUCTIVE/BUSY= I’m avoiding feeling something that deeply needs to be felt.
WTF I don’t want to go there... I might....who knows....die....(dramatic I know but I’m a performer by profession!)
I conjure up a million reasons why I can’t just sit, and open my heart and feel into what it is that I’m avoiding.
Eventually, I disciplined myself, tuned in and felt it...
There it was.....
Sadness....deep sadness and grief
I felt into the sadness, I went all the way in and lost it, I was on my knees sobbing, sniffing and wailing like a little baby. On the floor drowning in tears in complete surrender.
And that’s what I was afraid of? Of losing my shit.
I didn’t die or break. In fact, I actually felt more alive and full of relief.
I’m still sad but I just remember after winter comes spring and after night comes the day. Neither is better or worse than the other both just are. And that's where I need to be no matter what end of the spectrum of feeling I’m on.
To just be.
Be with what is.
Embrace it all because nothing lasts forever.
With that said........how are you feeling today?